looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I fill condoms, not promises.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
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