yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
