I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
