You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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