I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize