Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
