i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
