I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
then he tried to convert me to islam
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
