How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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