i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
