don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
