I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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