Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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