i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Randomize
