I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
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