i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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