The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
mondays should just be called national damage control day
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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