You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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