Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
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