I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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