so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I would ride that face into the sunset
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
