How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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