She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
