Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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