I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
