He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
