Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
