You don't have asthma, your pregnant
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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