If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
