Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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