I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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