Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
