I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
