Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
