worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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