Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
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