why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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