Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I need to stop coming to work sober
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
