zippers are such a cool invention
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
