I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Randomize
