Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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