In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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