I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
