Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
