Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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