Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
