I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
he fucked my hip out of place.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
