I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
OPIZZABONMYDICK
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
