Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
