did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
