oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
