i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
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