My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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