my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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