yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
