i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
