so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
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