i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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